Dear friends of latex,
we're bringing you another part of our twisted Christmas tale about Latexelf and his forced last adventure. Don't forget to read the previous parts, if you already haven't done that, and enjoy :)
The wizard calmly listened to the news reported to him by the captain of the guards. Some strange fellow came along. Good. He was basically naked and had a sparkling beard. Very well. He’s down in the dungeons now. Excellent.
“Thank you,” said the wizard, waving the captain away.
Then, he tried to busy himself and postpone the inevitable before finally giving up. He brushed a hand across his scalp to find out whether his head needed shaving. Unfortunately, it didn’t. He checked himself in the mirror, hoping to discover a stain on his clothes which would require him to go get changed. Unfortunately, they were spotless. He sighed, turning towards the hidden door on the far end of the room. Fulfilling prophecy turned out to be a very difficult job.
The door wasn’t locked because any decent sorcerer knew other ways than using keys, but as soon as he opened the door and entered, he had to duck to avoid a flying tin of tobacco. A very tiny tin. A moment later, a minute smoking pipe bounced off his forehead.
“Enough! Please!” shouted the wizard, summoning a force field to protect himself from another barrage of small objects thrown by an enraged girl with golden hair.
“Take this, you bastard!” shouted the girl, picking up a framed picture of a smiling bearded man and throwing it like a shuriken. The wizard, despite his force field, jumped aside.
“Enough!” he repeated. “I bring news!”
“You can shove your news! Let me out!” hissed the girl.
“But that’s exactly what I wanted to tell you!” replied the wizard, ducking again, although this time, she threw a tiny knitted sweater with snowflakes and deer on it.
The girl paused.
“What did you want to tell me?”
“He is finally here!” said the wizard, breathless. “A hero has arrived to save you. Haven’t we been through this several times already? Your rescue is imminent, the hero is in the castle and my guards have already thrown him in the dungeon!”
“How is his supposed to save me if he’s in a dungeon?” cried the girl, flailing her arms.
“Because first, he needs to endure hardship and face mortal dangers while not losing hope,” explained the wizard patiently. “Hasn’t Your Highness read a single fairy tale?”
“I did! But I don’t understand why I must experience one myself,” she barked. “A kidnapped Princess? An evil wizard? Prince Charming on a white horse? Is that what this is about?”
“Well… essentially,” said the wizard with a nervous smile. “And I am not evil, just trying to achieve something here.”
“Something you couldn’t do without abducting me?” asked the Princess icily.
“Unfortunate, I know,” said the wizard apologetically. “But you must admit I did my best to make your stay as comfortable as possible,” he added, pointing around. The rooms he gave her were lavish and much better than his own. He would bet she had it better here than at home. Besides, he brought her all those presents! What else could she want?
“And what about my freedom?” cried the Princess.
“Oh, Your Highness may rest assured she will be back home soon, waiting for her father the King to choose a husband for her,” replied the wizard, wisely retreating immediately. Moments later, another salvo of tiny objects thumped against his force field.
“Of course, Your Highness may also choose to marry the hero who is undoubtedly on his way here as we speak, ready to tear you from my clutches,” he added when he was safely behind the door. Then he slammed it shut and let out a sigh. About damn time!
Then, he realised he wasn’t alone. The captain of the guards stood at the other end of the room, his sword unsheathed and wet with blood.
“Oh no,” gasped the wizard. “Captain, if you’re here to tell me you’ve killed him, I’m going to rip you apart. I gave you clear orders that…”
The man lifted his visor, and the wizard saw a glittering red beard and a pair of flaming eyes.
“I’m no captain. I’m Latexelf, and I’m here to take back what you’ve stolen!”
* * *
Photo: Marie Pracnová
Makeup: Geen Pagliacci