Dear friends of latex,
we're bringing you another part of our twisted Christmas tale about Latexelf and his forced last adventure. Don't forget to read the previous parts, if you already haven't done that, and enjoy :)
Before dawn came, Latexelf had crossed a river and climbed over a mountain. The water was frozen, and the slope was covered in snow, but the Diamond Heels of Death proved to be excellent crampons, and he was making good time. He felt somewhat guilty about leaving the fox in the snare, but his task was more important. There were scores of animals everywhere, but Latexelf had only one peace and one quiet, and he wasn't letting go of them.
Foxes are smart, she'll find a way to set herself free, he thought.
As soon as he stepped into a forest on the other side of the mountain, he heard another voice.
“Hello? Excuse me, would you have a moment?” said someone to Latexelf's right.
He turned to find himself staring into the eyes of a giant bear. It was just a few steps away. An ordinary man would be startled. Latexelf was by no means an ordinary man, but he had to try very hard not to start screaming nevertheless.
“I beg your pardon, I had no intent to scare you,” said the bear.
“Y-you talk,” stammered Latexelf, getting a strange feeling this wasn't the first time he was having this conversation. He forced himself to stop staring into the bear's eyes and look down. Of course. The beast's right foreleg was caught in the nasty jaws of an iron trap.
“Yes, I talk, but that is not important,” said the bear. “I hate to take some of your time but as you see, I have found myself into a rather unfortunate situation, and...”
“No!” cried Latexelf, a finger in front of the bear's snout. “Whatever this is, it's starting to look really suspicious, and besides, I'm busy!”
“Sadly, I do not understand,” said the bear.
“I'm too busy to explain,” Latexelf replied. “I'm not here to save little critters, I'm here to... oh, never mind that. Good luck.”
“I am sorry to have bothered you, sir,” said the bear sadly, but Latexelf was already marching on.
Bears are strong, he'll find a way to set himself free, he thought.
A little later, he stumbled upon an old woman gathering twigs and branches for her stove. This was a welcome change until...
“Begone, devil!” shouted the crone, threatening him with her walking stick.
“I'll be gone, but I'm not the devil,” said Latexelf.
“So what are you, running around all naked like that?”
“I'm not running either,” Latexelf corrected her patiently. “And I am... a good lad.”
“Well, I've seen some thing in my life, but nothing like this,” grumbled the crone. “But since you're a good lad, perhaps you could help granny out?” she suggested, pointing with her stick to a basket full of sticks and pinecones. “Maybe chop some wood, carry in a little water...” she muttered under her breath. “Help me, good lad, and I will...”
“Bugger your wood and water, hag! I'm on a quest!” interrupted Latexelf. “I have no time for charity, this is almost a matter of life and death!”
Latexelf turned and walked away.
The old woman stared at his back for a while – with a glance or two a little bit lower – sighed and dropped a last handful of twigs into her basket.
“... and I will tell you how to get into the wizard's castle unnoticed,” she finished her sentence, shrugged, and vanished.
* * *
Photo: Marie Pracnová
Makeup: Geen Pagliacci